I think it’s going to be a long, long, time

Apparently January is a great time to look for a job. Now that the holidays are over and there are no days off on the immediate horizon, it’s time to knuckle down and get some work done. This is when the slackers become blindingly obvious as there is no veil of general workplace levity to hide behind. Not that there is anything wrong with being a slacker if you do it properly. Who among us was not in awe of the guy who was recently in the news for having outsourced his own job to China so he could watch cat videos on YouTube all day? However, it appears that some people were not as creative because there are many job postings coming over the wires these days. Here are some of the more recent positions that I am supposedly qualified for.

Rocket scientist. Oh come on now! I am not making this up. This has to be the most inappropriate job posting that has ever been forwarded to me by the internet job robots. On second thought this would actually be a wonderful job because every time someone said “well it’s not rocket science” you could say “yes, in fact it is rocket science”. Unfortunately, after a career largely spent specializing in explaining concepts to people in a manner that did not require rocket scientist credentials to understand, I don’t think any amount of retraining would qualify me for this role. And it has likely already been filled by someone who did not flunk math.

Android Developer. Apparently, the word ‘android'(which amazingly first appeared in 1757) means an ‘automaton resembling a human being’. I find it very brazen that someone would advertise this job, as it puts everything we already suspected right out in the open. The fact that there is some urgency to recruit people that know how to create androids coincides with various upcoming political leadership elections is too creepy to ignore. Once the new politicians are installed, the next task on the to-do list is probably related to the zombie apocalypse. Or maybe android developers will choose to use their powers for good instead of evil: there are many cities in the country that could benefit from new mayors who act a little less ‘human’.

Associate Director, Lean. This must be Jack Spratt’s previous job (he surely is retired by now). What’s not clear to me is whether or not the scope of this position extends beyond influencing Mrs. Spratt to have healthier eating habits. Or maybe it isn’t a coincidence that this position is being advertised in January. The Associate Director, Lean must be in charge of recruiting people into fitness clubs at the beginning of the year and selling them dubious weight loss regimes. They will not trick me into applying for this one though. Any sensible person knows they will fire your (no doubtably lean) rear end by mid-February once the eliptical machines start gathering dust again.

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