Working 9 to 5

My job search continues, undaunted by the thousands of positions that currently languish without alignment to my skills, although I am beginning to suspect they do not align with anyone’s skills. I have no explanation for why a company would post a job so obscure that it will never be filled. Perhaps it is an evil plot by HR departments to make it look like they are actually doing something and to justify never hiring anybody. Here are some more job ads that have recently crossed my desk.

Costumer Analyst. This must be a vacancy they are hoping to fill in time for Halloween. Maybe it’s at the party supply shop down the street from me, which has scores of people lining up outside the store in the last week of October. The Costumer Analyst must be the person who looks at all of the people in line and figures out which costume would be best for them. After all, it would be no good if a short person ended up being outfitted as the Jolly Green Giant or even worse, if Stephen Harper answered the door at 24 Sussex disguised as Pauline Marois. The more I think about it, this would be a very important and high profile job. They probably even supply your work wardrobe. My resume is on its way.

General Manager, Poultry Insurance Exchange. For us humans, paying for insurance is just about as unavoidable as death and taxes. I had no idea that chickens were equally afflicted. Maybe a Poultry Insurance Exchange operates kind of like the stock exchange. If you are a turkey, for example, you would want extra insurance in October and December (and possibly in the spring) but for the rest of the time it wouldn’t be as important. What you would do is list your insurance policy on the Poultry Insurance Exchange in the off-seasons so that some others of the fowl persuasion could pay you a fee to use it. Unfortunately I don’t think I would be credible in this position because I have been implicated in some unsavoury incidents involving poultry.

Director, Proxy Sales. As far as I understand it, a proxy is something that acts as a substitute or stand-in for something else. In fact, there is even such a thing as marriage by proxy, where one of you doesn’t actually have to be there to tie the knot. If you are really tight for time, Montana offers a double-proxy wedding where no one needs to show up in person. I am not making this up. As part of my research for this position I discovered that one of the most famous proxy marriages took place in 1810 when Emperor Napoleon married Archduchess Marie-Louise. I think he was un-avoidably detained pillaging and plundering. Anyhow, this job must have something to do with opportunities arising from our multi-tasking, attention deficit society. I think the Director of Proxy Sales pitches services that allow you to do things without actually doing them. Don’t have time to go to the gym? Your gym-proxy will pump iron for you. Can’t make it to that dentist appointment? Hmmm. Not sure we have a proxy for that.