Get a job

Another week, another list of dismal job prospects…

Director, Liquidity Analytics. I am thinking the reason for this urgent vacancy is that around this time of year there is significant work involved in determining exactly when raindrops are about to turn to snow in order to properly inform the weather man when to switch graphics on the weather chart. Similarly, at some point the water in the puddles and lakes decides to become more solid than liquid, which is very important information for those of us who have island cottages and consider it a badge of honour to delay pulling the boat out until the absolute last minute. However, I am not really sure what the incumbent of this job does in the winter and summer. Perhaps the primary responsibility between liquid-to-solid (and vice versa) seasons is to offer quality control services to bars and local establishments that rely heavily on ice. Just guessin’

Senior Voice Analyst. I have no idea what this job is about, which is probably the first clue that I’m completely unqualified. Maybe it has something to do with the lie detector industry, surely a growing sector based on my scientific sample of police procedural television programs. The Voice Analyst must be someone who listens to the person taking the lie detector test in order to figure out if they are lying even if they are good enough to be able to fool the polygraph machine by controlling their heart rate and blood pressure. I would even think that a good Voice Analyst could replace the machinery all together and be able to branch out to all sorts of other applications of their skill set, like being able to tell if someone who is calling in sick is actually on the golf course. Or even better, take a really close listen to that infamous episode of Oprah involving Tom Cruise. Maybe they offer on the job training. Sign me up!

Director, Third Party Services. This looks like another one of those busy-body jobs. As I understand it, third parties are even farther removed from your sphere of operation than second parties, kind of like the way a second cousin is the relationship between children of first cousins, and third cousin the relationship between the children of second cousins. And honestly, who has time to even know or care who their third cousins are? That’s why I also think this job probably has a lot of turnover, as it sounds like the type of role they shuffle you into just before they show you the door. How important can you possibly be if the span of your mandate is restricted to people and services with minimal importance? On second thought, if you negotiate a good enough severance package, you could make a lucrative career out of specializing in this role. I know I may have seemed distant in the past, but I’m putting out the call for any of my third cousins to kindly get in touch with me. I may need you as a reference.