Witchy woman

I have just finished reading a book called A Discovery of Witches, which was highly educational. Apparently, we unknowingly co-habit the earth with three types of non-humans: witches, vampires and demons. Each of these has its own strengths and weaknesses:

• Witches, as most of you are aware, excel at spells that can control their animate and inanimate environment to bend it to their will, either for good or evil purposes. However, contrary to the myths perpetuated by J.K. Rowling, not all witches have the same set of powers. Witches are hard for humans to identify unless they are caught in the middle of some sort of witch-like behaviour.

• Vampires are much more than just blood sucking monsters. Because they live for hundreds or thousands of years, they are at the forefront of scientific discovery since their studies and experiments can last for eons. You can recognize them because they are all tall, dark, beautiful, and ageless. Note that, contrary to popular belief, they do not have pointy teeth, however it is true that vampires are made rather than born.

• Demons are perhaps the least well known of the three supernatural species. Demons are archetypical sociopaths and sometimes psychopaths. They are particularly adept at manipulating people and situations to their benefit. As a result, they are frequently found in politics, law and investment banking. Demons always have human parents, so they are a little less obviously other-worldly unless you happen to be a witch or vampire.

Now that I have gained this knowledge, a lot of things now make more sense. Here are some examples:

• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Even though the faux pas of the vial of blood should have been the first clue, there is now no question in my mind that Angelina is a vampire. This explains why Brad is still hanging around long past the average half life of a Hollywood couple: he is now a vampire and couldn’t possibly escape without exposing the truth. Actually, maybe he was also a vampire to begin with, which means his role in Interview With The Vampire was no coincidence. Come to think of it, wouldn’t that also explain Tom Cruise and Katy Holmes (except for the tall part, unless it’s Katy who started out at as the vampire, which explains why she looks pale and is rarely seen in day light).

• Sarah Palin. She is definitely not humanoid, as evidenced by her lack of grasp on how humans behave. At first I thought she was a demon, but upon further analysis, I don’t think she has enough demonic powers otherwise she would have throngs of people and money behind her to propel her to the Republican presidential nomination. Rather, I would place her in the witch category, because she only had enough power to manipulate and control until people started to notice the funny smell from the eye of newt.

• Any number of people I have met in my work travels. There is nothing more useful than being able to recognize a sociopath at twenty paces, which unfortunately I had to learn through painful experience. If I had known that demons walk among us I would have been more vigilant. If you are lucky enough to never have crossed paths with a demon, next time you think that someone is out to get you, quickly locate your nearest witch or vampire for a professional opinion.