Take this job and shove it

As my job search continues, I continue to be bombarded with inappropriate suggestions from the helpful placement staff that patrol the internet. Clearly I have failed to adequately describe my qualifications and desired job specifications. I would feel bad about this lack of ability to make invisible web career mavens bend to my will except since I have an entire degree in research and have spent the better part of the past 15 years telling people how to effectively organize their electronic information, I think the source of the problem is badly designed search algorithms not poorly selected search criteria. Anyhow, here are more jobs I will not be applying for (sorry to disappoint you, job search robots).

Manager, Fraud Contact Services. I think this job would be kind of like being the Maytag repairman. There is probably an office in a basement somewhere, with a telephone with cobwebs on it and a whiteboard with no vestiges of any writing. I am betting that the incumbent died of old age without having fielded a single call. That’s because it’s entirely unlikely that anyone who is committing fraudulent activities would want to report their behaviour. Or maybe this is a service you contact if you are contemplating getting into the lucrative world of bamboozlement and want to learn about how to be a successful fraudster. Vito Razzuto, I think I have just found your dream job.

Manager, Communicable Diseases. I really hope this job pays a lot, because you would have to be on duty 24/7. I am sure there is a new instance of a communicable disease wrecking havoc on someone every waking (or even sleeping) second. I do not think it is a coincidence that this job is being posted in October, just prior to the launch of flu season. The previous incumbent hung on to coast through the summer (when even if you have a communicable disease, you suck it up because you don’t want to ruin your vacation, and besides holding down a lounge chair is just as effective as any other way of waiting out the half-life of a cold) and then cut and run just before the short downhill slide to winter. However, I am glad to know that someone out there is watching our backs, at least if there is a 21st century Florence Nightingale out there willing to step up to the plate.

Regional Director, Retirement. Up until now, I had no idea that there would be someone out there to make sure my retirement was properly directed. I am a little unclear about the scope of this service. Is it mandatory or optional? Does it cover leisure activities or focus on things oldsters might do to fill their time in a meaningful way? Initially, I was pleasantly surprised that this role existed and that it apparently has national coverage that is tailored specifically to the wide variation in geographic regions across the country. Now that I have had time to think about it a little more, this job creeps me out. I thought retirement was a time when I could do whatever I wanted to do and didn’t have to answer to anyone except my cat. Instead, it looks like someone will be micromanaging my post-work life. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.