Call centre person: “Hello, this is Stephanie. How can I help you?”
Me: “I’d like to cancel my online Toronto Star subscription.”
CCP: “Oh. I’m sorry you want to do that. Why do you want to cancel?”
Me: “Because it’s too expensive.”
CCP: “Let me look up your account. You paid $141 on November 5.”
Me: “Yes, apparently I did. Last year I was paying $1 a month.”
CCP: “We can cancel your subscription but we can’t refund you the $141. If you had wanted a refund, you would have had to tell us by December 5.”
Me: “I would have told you before now if I had known I was supposed to call. Or even if I had known you were auto-renewing me. Your website says ‘cancel at any time.’ This is the time I’d like to cancel.”
CCP: “I’m sorry. I cannot refund you.”
Me: “Well then, who can refund me? Can John Bitove* refund me?” (*Owner of the Toronto Star.)
CCP: “No. I am a supervisor and I can’t refund you. Nobody can refund you. It isn’t possible.”
Me: “Do you perhaps report to somebody? Is there anybody with more authority than you?”
CCP: “All of the managers are busy at the moment.”
Me: “I can wait as long as it takes for one to become available.”
CCP: “Can I put you on hold for a minute?”
Me: “Of course.” (Fully expecting to be ‘accidentally’ disconnected.) Hold music ensues.
CCP: “No managers are available at the moment. I can get someone to call you back within 24 or 48 hours.”
Me: “I don’t trust that anyone will get back to me, so that option doesn’t work for me. The only way you’re going to get rid of me is to hang up, because I’m not getting off the phone until somebody tells me I’m getting a refund.”
CCP: “I already told you we can’t refund you.”
Me: “I understand what you told me, but that is not acceptable.”
CCP: “Can I put you on hold for a minute?”
Me: “Certainly, Stephanie.” (More hold music. And, against all odds, no abrupt dial tone.)
CCP: “I spoke to the manager again. You will get your $141 refunded. It will take five to ten business days to be processed.”
Me: “Thank you Stephanie. Have a nice day.” And thank you for the half hour I will never get back. And thank you Toronto Star, which makes it impossible to cancel a subscription online. I hope I didn’t take too much of a bite out of John Bitove’s Christmas budget. Namaste.