Always got time for Tim Hortons

I think Tim Horton and I need to go to relationship counselling. After many years of a pretty good existence together, Tim has started to let me down. Sure, anyone can forget the small irritations but some of his more recent transgressions are definitely grounds for a very serious discussion about our future. For example:

1. I was overjoyed when Tim decided he could serve us a breakfast sandwich until noon (although why not take an extra innovative leap and let us eat breakfast 24/7, but I digress). However, he seems to also have established a quota of breakfasts that cannot be exceeded even if it is a few minutes shy of noon. If I have my stomach set on eating a breakfast sandwich for lunch, I need to show up by 11:30 to make sure I snag one. And by the way Tim, your scrambled eggs are not an appropriate or acceptable substitute for the round eggy patty . I’d also like to know how many egg-white sandwiches you actually sell.

2. Which brings me to your most recent egg fatwa. If I am too late for the eggwich the other acceptable lunch item for me is the egg salad sandwich. The other day I innocently requested egg salad, only to be told they no longer served it (really? Why does it say you do?). I thought this might be an anomaly associated with the particular store in question or perhaps they had run out (see egg quota above). But no. Egg salad is now sandwich non-grata according to the recently updated menu board.

3. Perhaps the real reason for the egg salad exile is to make way for the Panini. Honestly Tim, what were you thinking? And to add insult to lunch injury, when I ordered my BLT the other day your helpful counter staff asked me whether I would rather have a bacon and cheese Panini (for about 2 bucks extra!!!). The answer is no, no and no. Stooping to the upsell does not suit your image and besides, if I wanted cheese I would order cheese (also apparently a new upsell item that can be added to any sandwich order for an extra tithe). I really don’t like saying ‘I told you so’ but get prepared to have a fire sale to get rid of all those Panini presses. On that note, has anyone actually seen someone buy your ice cream?

4. I see that you now have some new billboards touting your tea. I do admit that the steeped tea was a good move and I order it often (although I am a little miffed that my medium has now become a small). The problem I have, Tim, is your follow-through. Please teach your staff to differentiate between tea and coffee, as many seem to think the two are interchangeable. More times than I care to remember I have been presented with a cup that was supposed to have tea in it and been assaulted by a mouth full of coffee. Also, when the teapot is empty it would be a good idea to make another one. Just sayin’.

I’m glad we had this little chat, as one-sided as it might be. Please feel free to translate to whatever language is your current communication vehicle of choice, because in my experience it certainly isn’t English. Namaste.