Here we go again: another year, another end-of-the-world prediction. To save you from wasting your time getting ready for the world to end, here are the top ten reasons why the world will definitely not end in 2012.
1. My unlimited yoga studio pass does not expire until a year from now. The world may still end in the mean time, but it won’t have any effect on me because I am always at one with the universe.
2. Marty McFly travelled to 2015, so time must exist beyond 2012.
3. Greece, Italy, and their ilk will not be allowed to get out of their collective jams that easily.
4. The earth’s magnetic field has reversed before, although that was 800,000 years ago. None of us would be here today if that event had the capability to wipe out all living matter.
5. My property insurance policy does not explicitly exclude hazards due to gamma ray bursts or damage due to rogue planets landing on my house. If either of these were likely to happen, I am sure they would have made sure that no one is covered.
6. It might seem like the end of the world if the Republicans overthrow Barack Obama this year, but really all that will happen is more of the same, with potentially the added bonus of more fodder for Saturday Night Live and the Daily Show.
7. Toronto is hosting the Pan Am games in 2015. Apparently, the cost of the facilities and infrastructure is already $1.6 billion over budget, and we still have more than three years of spending to go. As much as I would like my tax payer burden to go away in a puff of cosmic smoke on December 21, 2012, I seriously doubt that will happen.
8. I just got renewal notices for my magazine subscriptions. This could just be a cash grab, but I know for a fact that they prepare their issues way in advance (the December issue is usually prepared in July, for example) so they would be wasting their time
9. Jennifer Aniston still hasn’t gotten married again nor had a baby (not to imply it would necessarily happen in that order). This is an indication that hell has not yet frozen over, not of the end of the world.
10. Surely the universe couldn’t possibly be evil enough to let us get the new cottage finished just before next winter, then vaporize it.